ground.

what a crazy few months; it's been a time impregnated with a physical return to my routine of busy days but i've been falling and rising on an internal roller coaster every day. few months ago america made me realise how much of my health i take for granted. like a biological lotto we inherit just through the right of being born, my days had become a blur of substance abuse, lack of sleep, inconsistency and imbalance, and complete lack of conscious thought. for someone always boasting (albeit quietly) on about my sense of self, i sure had been ignorant with health. sure i was vegetarian (though that's no representation of health at all) and ate salads for days but i wasn't particularly partial to demanding physical exercise (try telling 2012 jess to go to the gym everyday) and had enough to organise let alone my sleep and diet; those things will take care of themselves was always my natural path of thought; 'you seem healthy, you'll be fine!'. so things started to unfold once i started giving a shit, the domino effect tumbled and my entire basis of existing seemed to be at fault. my diet wasn't terrible but not brilliant, how was i supposed to cram maca, macqui, spirulina, chlorophyll, acai, camu, cacao and all other superfood goddesses all in the one smoothie? how was i supposed to create regular sleeping times when work and uni got in the way, how was i supposed to motivate myself to wake up early just to sit there, think positive thoughts and practice self-love? when would i have time to do not just weight training but yoga, cardio, relaxing walks and any other kind of movement? how can i have the muscles of a macro counter, flexibility of a yogi and mindset of a nutritionist all at once?

what the frickety frack is health and what's the organic, refined sugar, gluten, dairy and artificial additive free recipe for it? 

it's been the most tiring journey ever but i'm finally being responsible for what's entering my body. my immune system has crashed, my skin become a toxin wasteland, my energy levels ride an elevator from experiment to experiment, my hormones seem to have hormones of their own and i honestly can say i might be happier not being aware of how metabolism works, why yellow #5 is shit and spending that extra 10 minutes scrubbing myself with a body brush every time i'm desperate for a quick shower...but happy only in ignorance and well, that doesn't really count. i'm a skeptic so when i hear these amazing benefits that will heal, replenish and nourish...at the end of the day all i'm wondering is do i feel great cause of the green smoothie swishing about my insides or cause i realised my undies match my bra today? the answer is i don't know. my health has always been on the alright side and so the comparable context doesn't provide enough of a contrast but what i can say is that these days i'm addicted to the pheromones rush after exercise, my energy levels could squat heavy if they wanted and my minds constantly being cut open like a ripe watermelon (and there's just no feeling like wave jumping through new info and philosophies). i'm like an open-mouthed child gobbling and trying to chew my way to understanding. learning about the body is endlessly fascinating and we're all our own health experiments in the making.

so as i munch on kale chips and think about how great they'd be paired with some czech beer, i can't help but wonder how far ahead i'll find some way of moving toward health that feels healthy and becomes as naturally integrated into my life as my new cranberry, coconut and lime candle. all i know is that this is pretty dang tough and rips you apart again and again, but i've decided too many yesterdays ago to abandon any chance of feeling better/better than better from my insides. determined for health and defining it not as a matter of willpower but self-love.  

Stricken.

Excerpts of young people's voices across Sydney:

"I saw a dry and dead environment.. The beaches and the air were destroyed by pollution and people were dying fast...There were guns and fighting going on all over the world. Most people were poverty stricked and were forced to live on the streets... The world to me wouldn't be worth living in..."
- Craig, 15

"I see the environment in the future as a false representation of the real thing...Forests that have been knocked down are made into forests of fibre glass and cement"
- Anthony, 16 

"no trees...all grey...smog...pollution...unhappiness..false love...Discontent between families.. Very rich people. ...Famine takes hold of unlucky poor people. ...Robotics... Polluted water and air...Pure water and oxygen for sale..War....No more world."
- Michelle, 16

Voice like honey.

'Home'(Michael Bublé)

Another summer day
Has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm

May be surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
“I’m fine baby, how are you?”
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aeroplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky, I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I’ve got to go home

Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
This was not your dream
But you always believed in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
In either Paris or Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel alone
And let me go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It'll all be all right
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home

Price of Invulnerability.

One of my favourite ted talks.

Here.

+ Family
+ Many mugs of hot tea
+ 8 pillows on one bed

+ Home cooked meals
+ Jet lag
+ Winter
+ Travel bug bites
+ Time for books
+ Uni
+ Work
+ Post-travel blues
+ Comfort/dullness

- Netflix
- Foreign accents
- Summer
- Living from a suitcase
- Someone to cuddle in bed
- Excessive leisure time
- Friends of '13

- Money
- The new and exciting

From far away.

If you could leave one message on the Berlin Wall, what would it be?

extinguished

time is tired;
i've been breathing through burnt lungs
travelling an airway of ashes
and empty cherry trees
waiting for a pause or go.
i'm built on a marathon of running tears
with no side street joints to rest and recover
mouth dry, body thirsty
i licked the glue and left you a post-it,
let it attach like mould 
and rolled away on a wheel of realities
quiet, and caught by nothing
i felt like the runway before flight
knees knocking, wrists cracking
never inhaled this deeply
what did i write, what did i say
i never remember but i'm chewing on dates
spitting out weeks and never deciding on endings.