"Some people would rather die than think. In fact, they do."

I usually favour things because of what they stand for. Like how I default like atheists (or the atheist aspect of people) because they represent rational thought, and many other things but that's not what I want to talk about. But there are so many people in my life who represent all the wrong things. They are essentially, the definition of blindness and conformity, of pettiness and lack of perspective. The school of thought you are conditioned to have, needs to be challenged for fuck's sake. How are people still not getting this? To me, if you stand for nothing I appreciate, then you mean nothing. And this is difficult to come to terms with because this is the majority. While blindness is my largest hate, I also hate selfishness. It is assumed that as human beings built with minds to execute our own personal well being and joy, we are selfish. Yet to function socially we have to dismiss this (for the most part) and develop relations and consider not only ourselves. But if you are utilising companionship with the base intention of reaffirming your own beliefs and being entirely ignorant to whom you are establishing this companionship with, then fuck off. I'm sick of sticking my brain in and out of unnecessary shit to better understand people I don't even understand why I'm bothering with. Perhaps I am expecting too much. I'm being told that I am being too intense for anyone's liking because people like to be comfortable, but I do not and will never aplogise for challenging parasite mentality. I hear people are always surprising others, I hear stories of how someone seemed like an absolute ape until they discovered a conversation  or a hidden blog that enlightened them, and they would think about the ape - "since when were you so brilliant?!". But I've had no such luck, so what the hell is going on. The realisation that my optimism is for myself and people "in general" but not the many in my life, is a sad and infuriating one. I'm not reverting back to 2011 but this is still something I have to learn to accept, not just acknowledge.

The miracle of consciousness, of human capability and thought, is completely wasted on you.

Title: *Bertrand Russell

My Optimism.

People like to question whether we are who we are, or who we want to be. While I mostly argue it's who you are right in this moment, I can't help but credit that some will extend and struggle their being into exactly who they want to be. But when I say some, I'm indicating a ratio of about 1/10000000. People will lose a so called 'childishness' and stop dreaming, they will see mountains rising in their path and they will squeeze their minds into understanding a new desire; to reside at the foot of the mountain. Safe in a shadow of their own creation. But do you see, the person you are now is that person you foresee as yourself? You have the opportunities just not the perseverance. You must will your mind, and then everything becomes yours.

Since the moment you made your first conscious decision, your life has been YOURS. Every action and word you take is your doing. You are the way you have been, are being, and will be, because of your ability to choose. We are entirely responsible for ourselves. There are no excuses; you don't "have to" do anything, or conform to expectations of any nature. All you have is to sink into this beautiful understanding and feel the liberation I feel. I am free, you see. Finally settling into my mind, creating jagged metal hurdles to toss myself over. Bleeding and pained, I am drowned in pleasure for it. Losing exactly the remnants of a blindness that swallowed me whole. I am now at peace because I can feel myself tumbling in a straight line towards truth.

You should know, you should realise. You cannot know a person without knowing their beliefs. You cannot, because they are that person as a result of their beliefs, and just like how you cannot describe a story with no beginning, you cannot describe this person true to them. All you know will be facts and moments, that will inevitably realise as meaningless without a purpose. I often talk about people with others and we will say things like how X is like that simply because X is X, but that's not true. X cannot be excused of our need to re-understand X just because it is much easier to lean on the knowledge we already have. X is X because they chose to be X. And that is the reason you shall take to understand why I grew such a hatred of people, because I gave them no excuses, because they are so blind, because they give more of their time to alcohol and gossip and buying shit, than they give to themselves. It takes time, and suffering persistence, after all, what is more important than learning how you want to live your life? We are born with minds that allow possibilities only imaginable to me now. So stop wasting time, run, run, run.

Marvellous.

"It was, for De Beauvoir, an experiment in loving of which "existentialism" was the child."

Hopscotch on rocks!

I'm a child, a child digging at the earth with my smooth fingers, crumbling the construction of all pre made conditioning with struggling strength and a mind of shields. This year will be spectacular, not only because it will be but because I will make it that way. I can't think of another recent time I have been particularly content for 3 consecutive days let alone 8, though my aim is not contentment. Lovely things are happening, and I will let them. I'll list my new years resolutions and in December I will return and tick them off.

I will read more. More genres, more essays and more on my beliefs, in particular, atheism. It begins with 'The God Delusion'.

I will dedicate more of my time to music, and learn their accompanying poetry.

I will give strangers a chance. 

I will learn another musical instrument. Harp guitar? Guqin? Oboe?

I will join a gym and attend classes and work on being physically healthy.

I will learn Chinese ink painting.

I will write more.

I will stop using Facebook so frequently.

I will save money for a car, my parents and my travels.

I will activate as much of my brain as possible and study as I have never before.

I will listen better.

I will work less, play more.

I will forget perfection.

I will forget perfection.

I will forget perfection.
I will feel the world as a human with a heart. Let myself be naive, inconsistent, struggling, and empower myself with ideas.

We're off to a good start my love. Let's go!

if I hide, will you seek?

Black eyed peas once were cool before all that shit club music.
'Where is the love?'

What's wrong with the world, mama
People livin' like they ain't got no mamas
I think the whole world addicted to the drama
Only attracted to things that'll bring you trauma
Overseas, yeah, we try to stop terrorism
But we still got terrorists here livin'
In the USA, the big CIA
The Bloods and The Crips and the KKK
But if you only have love for your own race
Then you only leave space to discriminate
And to discriminate only generates hate
And when you hate then you're bound to get irate, yeah
Madness is what you demonstrate
And that's exactly how anger works and operates
Man, you gotta have love just to set it straight
Take control of your mind and meditate
Let your soul gravitate to the love, y'all, y'all

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

It just ain't the same, always unchanged
New days are strange, is the world insane
If love and peace is so strong
Why are there pieces of love that don't belong
Nations droppin' bombs
Chemical gasses fillin' lungs of little ones
With ongoin' sufferin' as the youth die young
So ask yourself is the lovin' really gone
So I could ask myself really what is goin' wrong
In this world that we livin' in people keep on givin' in

Makin' wrong decisions, only visions of them dividends
Not respectin' each other, deny thy brother
A war is goin' on but the reason's undercover
The truth is kept secret, it's swept under the rug
If you never know truth then you never know love
Where's the love, y'all, come on (I don't know)
Where's the truth, y'all, come on (I don't know)
Where's the love, y'all

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulder
As I'm gettin' older, y'all, people gets colder
Most of us only care about money makin'
Selfishness got us followin' our wrong direction
Wrong information always shown by the media
Negative images is the main criteria
Infecting the young minds faster than bacteria
Kids wanna act like what they see in the cinema
Yo', whatever happened to the values of humanity
Whatever happened to the fairness in equality
Instead in spreading love we spreading animosity
Lack of understanding, leading lives away from unity
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' under
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' down
There's no wonder why sometimes I'm feelin' under
Gotta keep my faith alive till love is found