settle, petal

Today's air was thick and the water running from the tap strangely warm. I had a relaxing day. I scrubbed myself with spirulina and honey, I drank my cocktail of veges mindfully, I ran without music, I spent time with family and I melted away into a book. I like to commit to a book intensely so it's hard when I want to read but aren't quite collected enough to propel myself as much as I'd prefer, so that's why I haven't read as much this year. The last couple of days I finally feel a little more settled. So caught up in the fierce, dominating mentality of the fitness disposition I've been harping on about, I've completely neglected the gentle side of a book, a lit candle and a mind ready to surrender. It feels good to be back. 

"I grew bewildered: who was talking? about what? and to whom?My mother had disappeared; not a smile or trace of complicity. I was an exile. And then I did not recognize the language. Where did she get her confidence? After a moment, I realized: it was the book that was talking. Sentences emerged that frightened me: they were like real centipedes; they swarmed with syllables and letters, span out their diphthongs and made their double consonants hum; fluting, nasal, broken up with sighs and pauses, rich in unknown words, they were in love with themselves and their meanderings and had no time for me: sometimes they disappeared before I could understand them; at others, I had understood in advance and they went rolling on nobly towards their end without sparing me a comma. These words were obviously not meant for me. The tale itself was in its Sunday best: the woodcutter, the woodcutter's wife and the daughters, the fairy, all those little people, our fellow-creatures, had acquired majesty; their rags were magnificently described, words left their mark on objects, transforming actions into rituals and events into ceremonies."

- Words, Jean Paul Sartre

ground.

what a crazy few months; it's been a time impregnated with a physical return to my routine of busy days but i've been falling and rising on an internal roller coaster every day. few months ago america made me realise how much of my health i take for granted. like a biological lotto we inherit just through the right of being born, my days had become a blur of substance abuse, lack of sleep, inconsistency and imbalance, and complete lack of conscious thought. for someone always boasting (albeit quietly) on about my sense of self, i sure had been ignorant with health. sure i was vegetarian (though that's no representation of health at all) and ate salads for days but i wasn't particularly partial to demanding physical exercise (try telling 2012 jess to go to the gym everyday) and had enough to organise let alone my sleep and diet; those things will take care of themselves was always my natural path of thought; 'you seem healthy, you'll be fine!'. so things started to unfold once i started giving a shit, the domino effect tumbled and my entire basis of existing seemed to be at fault. my diet wasn't terrible but not brilliant, how was i supposed to cram maca, macqui, spirulina, chlorophyll, acai, camu, cacao and all other superfood goddesses all in the one smoothie? how was i supposed to create regular sleeping times when work and uni got in the way, how was i supposed to motivate myself to wake up early just to sit there, think positive thoughts and practice self-love? when would i have time to do not just weight training but yoga, cardio, relaxing walks and any other kind of movement? how can i have the muscles of a macro counter, flexibility of a yogi and mindset of a nutritionist all at once?

what the frickety frack is health and what's the organic, refined sugar, gluten, dairy and artificial additive free recipe for it? 

it's been the most tiring journey ever but i'm finally being responsible for what's entering my body. my immune system has crashed, my skin become a toxin wasteland, my energy levels ride an elevator from experiment to experiment, my hormones seem to have hormones of their own and i honestly can say i might be happier not being aware of how metabolism works, why yellow #5 is shit and spending that extra 10 minutes scrubbing myself with a body brush every time i'm desperate for a quick shower...but happy only in ignorance and well, that doesn't really count. i'm a skeptic so when i hear these amazing benefits that will heal, replenish and nourish...at the end of the day all i'm wondering is do i feel great cause of the green smoothie swishing about my insides or cause i realised my undies match my bra today? the answer is i don't know. my health has always been on the alright side and so the comparable context doesn't provide enough of a contrast but what i can say is that these days i'm addicted to the pheromones rush after exercise, my energy levels could squat heavy if they wanted and my minds constantly being cut open like a ripe watermelon (and there's just no feeling like wave jumping through new info and philosophies). i'm like an open-mouthed child gobbling and trying to chew my way to understanding. learning about the body is endlessly fascinating and we're all our own health experiments in the making.

so as i munch on kale chips and think about how great they'd be paired with some czech beer, i can't help but wonder how far ahead i'll find some way of moving toward health that feels healthy and becomes as naturally integrated into my life as my new cranberry, coconut and lime candle. all i know is that this is pretty dang tough and rips you apart again and again, but i've decided too many yesterdays ago to abandon any chance of feeling better/better than better from my insides. determined for health and defining it not as a matter of willpower but self-love.