Bite the worm.

Most probably undeniable to me is the fact that waking early is a wondrous thing. Not the waking part of course, that 5 minutes of alarm-hating, bone-aching, shivering cold and questioning of whether we can just pin the other side of our blankets to our undies in replacement of clothes, is a shared nightmare. Yet once you're up, the air carries a light, damp crispness, a foreign freshness that can't be found within the day, it's fog pressed on your windows, ice at your fingertips. The counting of how many hours you have left in the day, which is many. Just imagine the myriad of possibilities of what you can do today! The anticipation in that thought embellishes me with the invincibility of a child. Manage your time, they say. If we imitated the sun in the morning, we perhaps wouldn't be faced with our current troubles (though undoubtedly, we'd be inventing new things to occupy ourselves with). Up you get, go go go! Or not. Lounge around with a cup of hot tea, a favourite read and the joy of watching your own breath appear in puffs at 7am. There's just no way you'll have a bad day after this.

Cruel.

"Thus humanity is male and man defines woman not in herself but as relative to him; she is not regarded as an autonomous being."

Anger, anger, anger. CONSOLE ME BEFORE I ERUPT. 

Okay. Y'know what?! You, yes YOU are a manipulative SEXIST and narrow-minded MISOGYNIST. You've heard the word 'Respect' millions of times in circumstances and teachings that society has so carefully sculpted for you yet you have no idea how to exercise it?! Well big fucking surprise. Is it simply a case of bad luck that I know people that may be the most distant thing from being progressive, possible? All that shit we hear about, all the disputes, all the controversies regarding sexual inequality and sexualisation, objectification, domination and violation of women - is in fact...let's see, TRUE. HAPPENING. ALL AROUND US 24/7. Patriarchy is not a lost invention, our world is COATED in its sticky permanence even when we have been fully aware this whole time of its fluidity and fallibility. When you talk or act in a demeaning manner to a person, it IS disrespect unless your relationship rests on a mutual understanding that you both do not in any way actually believe the jokes and shitty comments bubbling out of your mouth. What right, may I ask, and in what type of CONTEMPORARY WESTERN SOCIETY does this shit remain such a norm? What happened to the feminists, the academics, the progressive, the humanists and fighters for equality? Since when did they become minoritised?! With women surrounding me, internalising corrupt and wrong images from the media, I am growing so bloody tired. And yes I ascribed the media and sociocultural influences as WRONG and if depiction of the female body and its so called 'perfection' as something other than the diversity that it naturally carries is WRONG then something is definintely fucked up. I am sick of hearing wonderful people complain to me about their stomachs, their thighs, their chest sizes, their limbs and their faces, their skin and their hair, their physical genetic makeup evolved from millions of years of tested survival is apparently insufficient and appallingly unattractive. Ever think about function over aesthetic?! Is your acne really preventing your nose from sticking to your fucking dumb shit face? WE are labelling ourselves disgusting, hurting from our own words then transferring and establishing an escalating pool of fear, self hatred, lack of confidence and BLINDNESS. We are internalising our own pain, nodding our heads to voices that tell us we are inadequate, acting in bad faith that shoots bullets through nobody else's but our very own brains, letting the poison that is discrimination and imbalanced power infiltrate our minds, and pollute our daily functioning. We can make jokes and dip our uncertainty and uncomfortableness in humour but what happens next, who the hell is going to demolish the psychological oppression of every single bloody individual who has been exposed to our twisted societies, cultures, traditions, religions and norms when there are in fact NO NORMS?! NORMALITY DOES NOT EXIST.

And if you're like me and don't even actively facilitate and fight for equality (which is shit enough), at least be fucking aware of your own actions and words and how much power they thrust in the faces of the unknowledgable and vulnerable. AT LEAST BE RESPONSIBLE. Nobody should have the right or opportunity to fucking hurt another individual by manipulation and complete ignorance. This is ridiculous. This is bloody common sense. This is the 21st century. This is no laughing matter we can brush off our shoulders.

World, you make me so, so angry.

Inflatable heads.

“Looking at the world from other species' points of view is a cure for the disease of human self-importance.”

(Michael Pollan.)

What right and reason do we have to wiggle our fingers at billions of other species and deem that all existence is for us? Our arrogance is absurd.

 

What breaks you.

I plunge my head in twisted torture when I think that between me and a plane stands a tremendous dollar sign. Part of growing taller and travelling forward is perhaps the ugly realisation that everything they tell you as a child reappears, statements with hands on their hips, smug in their expression. "Study hard. Get a good job. Get money. Money, money, money." Our lives revolve around an invention that is so concrete in our exchanges; one that traps and suffocates for reasons we don't understand. And don't we all wish it weren't this way? In our naive youthfulness we laugh in the face of such complaints and assure the world we will not be the same, we will not bear the struggle, we will not become his possession. But we get swept by the same wind into the same traps and speak of the same protests. Money carries us in his pockets. We feel warm and safe, brushed against bundled plastic until stitching wears away and we fall through. Where can you go? Left amidst crowds of strangers, I'm shaking, shaking.

Jonathan Adler.

In a quaint little furniture shop in NYC my senses melted when I breathed in grapefruit scented air. Sweet, fresh and just right. Now my room is forever happy, and with bowls of watermelon and a tea pot of Napa Blanc tea (green tea infused with white wine and peaches, and it tastes as delicious as it sounds), How can I bear to go to sleep? Guess I'll just sit here bobbing to music until I eventually nod off and fall onto the floor. 

Then I'll sleep. 

Weight to your tongue.

It's been a while.

I'm starting to think that perhaps the curse of being human is the capability of our minds to imagine. With its power, we take ourselves to better places and better people, better circumstances for all. We seem to know a better reality than our crushing own, cursed with the refining imaginative frame that trickily flicks away the flaws of our days. But we open our eyes after our seconds of fluid joy and find the same images flickering teasingly, unchanging and one step behind our minds. We've been taught perfection, and given minds capable of dreaming as much, but the poison in the air tells us otherwise.

The weather's growing cold and it's been a quarter of the year since I've really paused and given much thought to anything. I should know, nothing is easier than being preoccupied working, studying, eating, sleeping, tiring, recovering; chase chase chase. I've hardly read but that's okay, with nights spent with Passenger in my ears, I've hardly been discontent. I cannot explain this phenomenon to people. Are you supposed to recognise happinness when it is your own? I calculated mine mathematically. Work = Good. Uni = Good. Friends = Good. Family = Good. Therefore, happiness. Like they say, it's not grand. It's a pretty colour not a magnificent one. Somehow I don't feel quite okay with that. 

Anyways, 

Will manufacture some Z's now.