ivory face.

the decision to be with someone should never be made from negation. that someone should never be 'not bad' and your answer should never be 'why not' (pardon all these double negatives). instead, it should feel like a complementary growth to your life; as though suddenly, delightfully, you've extra arms that are helpful, beautiful and have made your life easier, more understood. you're afraid at first because you must gash yourself open and let your blood run free before these arms are attached. the resulting pain is quite physical in this way. and then there are other pains like being afraid again because you fear the deformity of your prior self and the possibility of over-reliance on these new limbs. you still want to be you. but there is no decision in which avoidance is an option. you won't allow that, there is no flight. in actuality, it feels easy, and it almost is. yet in thought, alone (and even once shared, this fear remains alone as it is alone in nature, inherent and conscious), it is the opposite. you imagine the growth as a sickness that seeps into your body and worms through your skin, your flesh, digs deeper still, reaches your very bone marrow and left centre then leaves you; ribs on display, magnified in nakedness like a living corpse sucking in breath. so vile a complication it seems to be yet nothing can blacken your wide, overbearing grin. because you feel as light as you are afraid. and terrifyingly welcoming, embracing, like a pervert craving normalcy. this new addition is beyond you. and it is all so very, hysterically delightful.