Talk to the hand.

facebook groups; I don't like them anymore cause they make my facebook look messy but gosh they're funny. I'm going to copy and paste a bunch here, because I have nothing better to do at 1:30AM. Yeah, I corrected some of the grammar, ya gotta do what ya gotta doooooo (perfect english right there).

Periods late...haven't had sex...I must be carrying the next baby Jesus!

The awkward moment when wikipedia has copied your homework.

I received a blank text from my wife the other day. When I got in from work I asked "Why did you send me a blank text?"  "Because I'm not talking to you."

Waiter : Hello, would you like a table?
You : Nah mate, we booked the floor.

When I see an argument on Facebook, I sit there refreshing the page whilst thinking to myself "THIS IS GONNA BE GOOD!"

Sibling Property Rules
If I like it, its mine.
If im holding it, its mine.
If i can take it from you, its mine.
If i had it a little while ago, its mine.
If im chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.
If it it just looks like mine, its mine.
If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
If its broken, its yours.

I decided to burn some calories today, so I set a fat kid on fire.

Martin Luther King: I have a dream...
Leonardo DiCaprio: Oh yeah? I had a dream in a dream in a dream.

Saw a piece of shit on the ground today, reminded me of you.

I will only stop loving you when a mute guy tells a deaf guy that a blind guy saw a legless guy walk on water.

HOW TO MAKE YOUR PARENTS THINK YOU'RE INSANE
Follow them around the house everywhere
Moo when they say your name
Run into walls
Say that wearing clothes is against your religion
Jump off the roof, trying to fly
Hold their hand and whisper to them, I see dead people
At everything they say yell, Liar
Stand over them at four in the morning with a huge grin on your face and say, good morning sunshine
Wear a sticker that says, "I'm a retard"
Try to swim in the floor

The real danger of chewing gum at school isn't being caught by your teachers, it's being caught by your friends.

 

My sister walks in my room. She has one pillow tied to her front and one to her back.
I ask, "What on Earth are you doing?"
Her reply was..."This pillow on my back, is to protect me, from the friends that will back stab me. And the front one, that's for the boys that will break my heart." She's 6.

I'm the kind of person who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.

 

Yo, 90's kids, remember when...
- Everybody owned a pair of light up sneakers?
-Hey Arnold and Full house were the best shows ever?
- "Talk to the hand" said it all?
-The ultimate comeback was "Well why don't you just marry it?"
- Almost every sentence was finished with the word "NOT!"
- When you learned the planets in school pluto was one of them?
- All movies came out on VHS?
- The rugrats were the shizz?
- you took plastic cartoon lunchboxes to school?
- Mr. Rodgers was the coolest man alive? 

 

Really excited about bringing 'talk to the hand' back.